Monday, January 7, 2019
I'm not sure what to say but I know if I start typing it will come. We have had a relative state of calm since some time in early September. Regular days of getting dressed and out the door to school. No crying or screaming. No intrusive thoughts or fears. Just a 9-year-old girl and her family doing life.
There have been days though. And a couple of nights. Fears surface and she pleads, "I don't want it to come back! What can we do? I don't want it to come back!" Panic moves in quickly and I open the cabinet, scanning, calculating symptoms and likely causes so the correct supplement can be administered. A day later calm returns and there is no flare.
Three or four times this has happened. Once, it was two nights in a row and I was terrified but each time, things settle and we breath and we move and on and look forward. I consciously superficially forget. Block it out. Not now. We aren't there and I won't look. If we make eye contact it might rear it's ugly head so we turn away and look forward and keep moving. Quickly. Keep moving.
This morning it happened. Reminds me that it also happened once or twice over the last couple of weeks. Hmmmm. Well, I guess the hyperactivity has been there for quite some time too but that is nothing compared to the something we usually have. But this morning, socks didn't feel right. Couldn't get out the door. This morning was a flashback - screaming, begging me not to leave her inside. I told her sister I'd play basketball with her while we waited for the bus. "Sophie's Chose" not quite but I can relate. Let my little one know that she gets left behind anytime and anywhere her sister says? Abandon my big girl in the house, frightened and alone as I turn my back? I played basketball...I think. But then I was inside helping to loosen a sneaker. Those were too tight. Bag was too heavy. Socks were awful. Oh and now at age 9-tween, it's all my fault. That's a nice new twist.
So this morning I'm doing my calculations again. Front-end or back-end methylation? The B3 helps but maybe pushed something back to NOS or yeast or gluatamate or NRF2 or TH17. I don't really know what I'm talking about. I have my own issues cognitively. No long-term memory storage or at least no recall. It's almost as if I have to re-learn with every flare. Basics are easy. A+B=C. Excess ammonia + moly or l-cit = mop it up. Yeast overgrowth + difulcan + charcoal = relief. But maybe it's viral so we need more A, D, Zinc, C. Maybe it's histamine from a playdate with a friend and her cat. Some AS-Gold and bene might help.
Have I ever written about how tired I am? I shouldn't complain because we've had an AMAZING run. I'm not going to complain because I'll probably be punished which means she'll be punished and our family will be broken again.
Look forward. Don't stare it in the eyes. Back slowly away, no sudden movements. Quietly dust off a couple of sups. We're f.i.n.e. Just fine.
Peace. Hope. Love. (sometimes there is no strength but it will come when we need it)
