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Gray

Monday, February 2, 2020

Lots of gray. Happy, happy, side slammed by hysterics, worries, and a touch of ocd.

Super Monday was not so super. The half-time show last night was a bust. Something happened and although I saw it bubbling for most of the day the eruption still caught me off guard (how the hell does that still happen?).  I wasn't prepared for how bad it was and I wasn't prepared to help her - at least not for about 15 minutes. I tried to parent it out of her. Deny it. Consequence it out of her.

Finally, my senses returned and I embraced my PANDAS PANS Mama role.  I sat on the bed and opened my arms and she crashed in. Her tear streaked face looking up at me so helplessly, "Mommy I acted like a crazy person. I'm so ashamed."

 And I am gutted.

"No honey. You had a really tough time and I didn't help you with it. I'm sorry. It's okay. You're okay. I love you."

Honestly, THIS is what she has to carry? The weight on her shoulders must be crushing. ARGH!  How can this be her reality? Fine one day, a mess the next.

My god I'm so filled with anger. Shame overcomes me in those moments because I can't fix this. I have to figure something else out. This isn't working well enough for her.  Surrounded by friends with colds and flu mist vaccines (live shedding vaccines) the vitamins are not enough for her. She needs something more.

I'm just so angry. Sadness.

Strength. Love. Hope. (sometimes you fake it til you make it)