And just like that...hope springs eternal!

Later, Sunday, October 2, 2016

In desperation I emailed our doctor and with one simple suggestion hope is restored. Evenings and bedtime are the hardest times of the day for our little love. Huge fears, terrifying thoughts, and overwhelming agitation. A child who has always loved bedtime, stories and cuddles, is tormented when her mind is quiet and the light goes out. Hours of struggle to find peace means she hasn't fallen asleep before 9:30, 10:00 or later in weeks. "Do this." the doctor said and I watched astonished as the sudden change washed over her within minutes.

We brushed teeth and dried hair as she pulsed in and out of big scary feelings. Convincing and reassuring her I did my best to keep us gently moving towards bedtime. Unable to let go of a worry, dissolving in to tears again because she wasn't sure, we repeated the scene that had become the norm. Heartbreaking. The same build up we've experienced every night for a week or two (you lose track of time) as we prepare to end our day.

Deep breaths. Follow the doctor's advice. We got to story time.  I had begun to extend our reading time from the typical 20 minutes to 30, 35, 45, because I needed that peace to give me strength for the ensuing storm. There had been no warnings of this nighttime storm as it cruised silently up the coast that very first time. No alerts telling me to prepare. Just a sudden explosion one night, rocking us off our feet. No second warning the next night, or the next or the next but soon I knew in my bones it was coming. I began mentally preparing every night, battening down the hatches. Every day wracking my brain for strategies that might help. Ultimately, failing to find any calm in this storm of her own mind. I had no answers.

The doctor's recommendation was a simple change in timing of a supplement. As I read our story, I watched her, stealing glimpses from the corner of my eye.  I sensed and silently pleaded for peace in her mind and body. After about 30 minutes I began to feel a shift; something in the air was different.  I have been caught off guard before so I wasn't convinced anything had changed but I was curious. I finished my stories and she did her independent reading by the glow of her book light. After 20 minutes I breathed deeply and with a clenched stomach and calm voice I asked if she was ready to turn off the light. Yes. We kissed, hugged, shared a few thoughts about the week, and I gingerly asked if she wanted me to sing her lullaby. Heart in my stomach this is when the "nightmare thoughts" usually over take her. Not tonight. She held my hand, I gently sang, and my sweet girl closed her eyes and drifted peacefully to sleep. This was the first time in at least two weeks that we didn't have a traumatic time getting to sleep.

My heart is so full it could burst! The peace in my heart is bulging. This is the first time I have felt any hope in weeks. Thank you Dr O.

Hope, strength, love.