Springtime Flowers

Thursday, May 3, 2018

If showers bring flowers we should be overrun with blooms. We have not had a full-on flare since my last post but we've had ups and downs. A night or two of traumatic bedtimes, an afternoon or six of high agitation and angry outbursts that keep coming. This week, four days/nights of "just right" OCD when nothing feels right to her, no matter how hard she tries, yet she is forced to try and try again, through tears and frustration and helplessness.

I wonder still, why I don't see it coming until it us on us. It's like watching an elephant walk slowly up our quiet little street but not consciously registering it until it is marching in to our house. Some flares knock me down before I realize they have pushed their way in. On Monday, when she had to fix the covers on her bed umpteen times because they weren't right, I could have done something. Tuesday morning, when she had a harder time than usual putting on her socks, I could have done something then. Tuesday night, her dad got so frustrated he left her room during their bedtime routine because there can be no routine when OCD comes to play. I could have started to push and pull with all my might to get it out right then.

Finally Wednesday, I noticed the huge elephant in our house. I started some flare treatments yesterday and last night was a little better. This morning, a little help picking out the right shorts was all she needed. As we waited for the bus I watched her and her sister, riding bikes, sun gently shining, birds chirping, and I allowed the gratitude to settle in my heart. I used to guard myself against it, because I couldn't stand the fall, but not anymore. After years of dealing with the ups and downs you learn to  allow the good to wash over you with gentle acceptance because you know that you will handle the next fall, no matter how bad, no matter how long.

This is how we live here in New England. April showers bring May flowers.  We brace against the stormy spring and bask in the sun when it peeks through. We know it might snow but we also know the most beautiful sunny days. There is light, warmth, beauty, and the fact that there will be dark, cold, ugly, does not steal that joy from us anymore. We will not let it. We live with all of it simply because it is. This is life. This is spring. This is PANS.

Strength. Hope. Love. Always.